Getting There

Oh, it's working! It's not getting easier; just more accustom to the stinging pain. My brain actually feels like it's starting to work again. It's thinking beyond the pain, which is good.

I know Gramma's having a beautiful day in Heaven. It's absolutely beautiful here in Nashville today. Mid 70's. Dave's been meeting me and taking me to lunch the past couple days. Today we went to The Picnic Cafe for the first time. It was so girl-y, quaint, with a big selection of baked goods to choose from and we both thought the same thing: "Mom would like this place." I'm sure she's enjoying a lovely picnic of her own today! It's been so nice to have these little breaks during the day with Dave, we both catch up on our feelings and he lets me know what he's accomplished for the day. Tomorrow Dave goes back to work, but I think he's ready. He's got much of the loose ends tied up. I guess it will good to develop some sort of a regular routine. But I will miss him. I won't work a full day tomorrow to help adjust, next week we'll see what I can do.

Dave felt to call the doctor today to get more closure on what actually happened Monday. He was worried that Mom had suffered. But all signs appear as no. The doctor believes it was probably her heart, as we all suspected. And because she passed during the cat scan, it shows there were no blockages or eruption of her intestines, which would have been a very painful ending for Mom. Not the case, it was very quick and painless. Just what Mom wanted, probably exactly what she prayed for Sunday night when she was at alter for prayer. Heal me completely or take me.

I am coming to grip with her time with Charity. I just long she could have had more years. But Dave and I have discussed how 7 is God's number of completion. Gramma had 7 years with Charity. And though I would like 10 more and 10 more and 10 more on top of that. I have to accept God's will and know that Gramma is happier and pain-free. It is just so hard and hard to explain in words. I had Charity "for" Mom. I love Charity, but I wasn't planning to have children until God changed my heart because of Mom's prayers and her desire. Though she never said a word to me, she took all her supplications to the Lord. I tell the Lord, I knew I couldn't do this on my own, I did this for Gramma. She has always been there for me and helped me with Charity. I'm trying not be selfish, but I feel bad for Charity. I will never be the sweet and loving soul Gramma was to her. I LOVE her so much, but Gramma, that's some big soft slippers to fill! I trust God will give me strength and know He does ALL things WELL.

Since my brain has decided to start working again, I must return to my work. I think it's taken me all week to do 2 hours of work. I am so thankful my boss is on vacation and I have the entire office to myself for my frequent tear breaks, multiple phone calls and constant spacing out! I promised him I'd have it all together when he returned next Tuesday . . . I hope I do. With God's help!

Isn't this supposed to get easier?

I don't really know what's going on. We're on day 2 since Gramma left for Heaven and I'm still dying inside. I keep asking myself how does one live after [a loved] one dies? I know it's possible. Just trying to stay strong and take one minute at a time. Wow! I know the cares of life will drag me down and schedules will fill, but I do appreciate the love for life and others and having correct priorities in prospective that this is teaching me. But why such a hard lesson? Wish I had figured it out a lot sooner.

I know I was having a rough day. Didn't sleep much last night and I'm sure the over tired state I'm in is not helping anything. Went down to Gramma's while Dave was taking Charity to school and like I've often done, I audibly called out "Mom." And I was sincerely praying inside she would come around the corner from her bedroom as she had so many times before and I would wake up from this awful nightmare. :'( It didn't happen.

Actually, my purpose in heading down there was to see what she had for laundry so I could wash it. So after I realized what I was supposed to do, I gathered some clothes she had and her basket of wash and set it on the stairs.

Dave and I both have been completely avoiding "the bag" the funeral home gave us of her belongings. He did take her library book out and we have returned all the books she had checked out. Since I was doing her laundry, I figured I'd go ahead and tackle it. Just a small plastic bag stuffed with a few items, how could it be so daunting?

We had already set her glasses and watch on the counter. Ouch. First thing I pulled out was her shoes. Breakdown. Sobbing. I carried them into her bedroom and set them on her closet floor and that's when I heard her say, "Diana, I got new shoes!" knowing how much I appreciate SHOES!!! Oh, it blessed my heart. It was so real. It is hard to explain if you haven't been in this place. And Dave and I are trying to explain that to Charity. It's like you hear her in your heart, not your ears.

Clinging to the happy thought, I was able to complete the task of "the bag". And I know Mom would be so proud of me. Actually, she would say chuck it all, but I'm not there yet. I took out her skirt and slip and put it in the wash basket. Not sure what happened with the shirt she had on Monday, but it wasn't in the bag. The final items that remained were her panties and stockings and with Mom's "help" I threw them away!! She would be so proud! I told Dave when he returned home and we both chuckled. You just can't imagine how hard it is, until you've been to this place. Those items, nothing I would usually want anything to do with, become so "special". They were what she had on her last day here.

But, I do know it will get more bearable with time. Probably never easy, but the good memories and the kind thoughts and prayers of friends and family are helping so much.

Gramma, I know you were never into "things". It was all just stuff to you. You would say throw it all away. I'll get there, with time. And so it reminds me of the verse that changed your life, Ecclesiastes 2:11. I LOVE YOU, GRAMMA and am still learning from you daily!!

Ecclesiastes 2
Pleasures Are Meaningless

1. I thought in my heart, "Come now, I will test you with pleasure to find out what is good." But that also proved to be meaningless. 2. "Laughter," I said, "is foolish. And what does pleasure accomplish?" 3. I tried cheering myself with wine, and embracing folly—my mind still guiding me with wisdom. I wanted to see what was worthwhile for men to do under heaven during the few days of their lives.

4. I undertook great projects: I built houses for myself and planted vineyards. 5. I made gardens and parks and planted all kinds of fruit trees in them. 6. I made reservoirs to water groves of flourishing trees. 7. I bought male and female slaves and had other slaves who were born in my house. I also owned more herds and flocks than anyone in Jerusalem before me. 8. I amassed silver and gold for myself, and the treasure of kings and provinces. I acquired men and women singers, and a harem [a] as well—the delights of the heart of man. 9. I became greater by far than anyone in Jerusalem before me. In all this my wisdom stayed with me.

10. I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my work,
and this was the reward for all my labor.

11. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
nothing was gained under the sun.

Breakfast with Jesus

Dave’s taking most of this week off and though we don’t have funeral arrangements to prepare, as Gramma didn’t wish for that, he’s got lots of “stuff” to do. We’re trying to keep Charity’s routine the same, so he brought her down to “Gramma’s” for breakfast and they ate her food. When she came up at her normal 7:30am to finish getting ready for school, I asked Charity if she missed Gramma. She responded, “No.” As I was sobbing inconsolably. Kids. They’re so resilient. I think they just don’t understand the gap caused by a loss. But as an adult we can see what Charity will miss over the year. Nevertheless, we believe that Charity’s peace is probably just another result of Gramma’s prayers. I’m sure she thought of this. And prayed protection for Charity’s heart and mind.

Flashback to 9.27.2010: Dave and I both decided to pick up Charity yesterday from school, since I didn’t feel I could do it myself. We brought Gramma’s car, since I had told her Gramma was picking her up, I wanted her to at least see the right car, which Dave and I had retrieved from the Oncology Center where Gramma had parked it that morning. I made him drive it home. We talked on our cell phones the whole way home. The alone silence is so hard. And when it was time to pick up Charity from school, just seeing a piece of Gramma hair started a stream of emotions. :'(

Such a beautiful day, Monday was. The beautiful blue skies, finally cooler weather. Gramma definitely would have been sitting outside enjoying it. Reading her bible, doing her devotions on the back patio in her green chair with the sun shining on her. She loved this weather.

Our plan was to sit down with Charity in the living room and explaining what had happened. But Charity wanted to go outside. So we moved our discussion to the back porch. As a kid, you just know something’s up. So as Dave fumbled around to find the right words, Charity burst into tears. “You mean Gramma died?” Her little heart. It broke mine, again. She cried for a few minutes. We all decided to go to Gramma’s place and look at the “Grandma Remembers” book she has been working on for Charity. We had given her this book when we told her we were pregnant. We actually wrapped it in a baby blanket and gave it to her for Christmas that year as the way of telling her. That’s a day none of us will ever forget! That book is so full of everything. Charity is going to love and cherish it. Gramma kept a journal of important dates in it. We flipped through it, but barely scratched the surface of all the love flowing through it. Yet another of Gramma’s selfless acts. And a reminder to me to keep up the blog. Gramma loved it and I know it will bless Charity someday. Gramma knew where the priorities were. These are things that live on, not the clean house or the neatly folded laundry. But the things you do for your family. I need to and will try harder.

Gramma, I hope you’re enjoying your first breakfast with Jesus. I hope Heaven’s got those good kind of donuts we like. The kind Dunkin Donuts has. Eat as many as you want! And the yummy muffins. The ones we used to get at Hannaford with the cinnamon chips or the butterscotch chips. Those ones that had at least a stick of butter in each muffin! And fresh fruit. I’m sure it’s the best fruit ever! Miss you so much. And though Charity says she didn’t, you and I both know she does. Can’t wait to join you for breakfast someday. For now, I’m off to work. It will be hard, but I know you would want us to continue on our normal routine. And just sitting around here makes me miss you so much. Chris flies to England for the Ryder Cup today, so I need to know what I’m supposed to do while he’s gone. I know if you were here, I’d go downstairs and find you watching it. You liked watching golf. Probably reminded you of Dave O. I LOVE YOU, GRAMMA. Enjoy your first full day in Heaven!

9.27.2010 – The Day Gramma Went to be with Jesus

My heart hurts. It’s so unbelievably heavy right now. But I just know how much Gramma loved this blog, and I’m just foolish enough to think she’ll still see it. So I felt that if I could just get down what I’m feeling, maybe, somehow it will help some of the hurt.

I can’t even begin. Gramma. She was amazing. As we look back over her life, just one word comes to mind, SELFLESS. She lived every moment of her life for us, Dave, myself and especially her granddaughter, Charity, who was so precious to her. She was such a good, sweet-spirited, kind and quiet soul. She has such a close relationship with the Lord each day and the Lord showed her mercy to her final day her on earth.

We knew things had been getting worse with her cancer. She has no energy, unable to take her walks and this weekend, even struggling to eat comfortably, but never expected this, not this fast. Monday morning. This morning, like every school morning, Charity and I go about our regular routine. Things have been hectic in the mornings, so I set my alarm earlier than normal as to give us more time. Each morning, I get up, then Charity gets up following me and she gets dressed. After she’s dressed she heads down to Gramma’s for breakfast. I hesitated to allow her to go down this morning, because all weekend Gramma was in pain in her stomach and I knew she had an early morning appointment. But Gramma has urged me that it’s fine for Charity to come down, no problem at all, she sets her up with her food and does what she needs to do.

I never saw Gramma at home that morning. Charity came up at 7:30am as she usually does for me to do her hair and we proceeded with our routine. Hair, teeth and then off to school. Since I had gotten up earlier, Charity was plenty early for school, rather than running in at the last minute. I dropped her off, happy and continued about my day. She gets stressed out when her routine gets off. So she asked me, “Who’s picking me up?” I reassured her Gramma would be, as usual.

As I drove into the subdivision, I passed Gramma leaving for her scheduled cat scan. Usually I’m “flying”, running behind, headed back home to finish preparing myself for the day before I head off to work. But this morning, I was enjoying, going the speed limit, rather leisurely heading back home. I appreciate the Lord for that. As we passed our eyes met and we gave each other a wave. And I was thanking God for her, that wave, it blessed me. I was thinking how blessed I am to have her and that she fed Charity, even though I know she wasn’t feeling good, she had someplace to be, but even to the end she selflessly gave herself for us. Little did I know, that sweet wave Gramma gave me was the last time I would see her. I waved “good-bye” to her.

Oh, had I known the circumstances that would transpire after that. I would have stopped that car. I would have hugged her neck. I would have never let go. But God knew. He knew in His infinite mercy, she did not want to suffer. She did not want to be a burden to us as she worsened and would be unable to care for herself.

When Dave called me at work, broken, he explained the doctor had called. I didn’t want to believe it. I still don’t want to believe it. Honestly, I hate it. She was having her scheduled cat scan to see what, if anything her chemo was doing and they found her nonresponsive. They rushed her across the street from the oncology center where she was to the hospital emergency room and tried to resuscitate her. They were able to get a little heartbeat, but only for a second. Gramma was already worshipping around the throw! She wasn’t coming back. She was home free.

Oh, my heart. Gramma, I know how happy you are now and pain-free. But I don’t know how I’m going to do this without you. I LOVE YOU, GRAMMA. I know I’m being selfish. Everyday you helped me so much. You completely lived your life for this family. You exemplified the true ministry of a goodly mother in how you lived for your “children”. You never once treated me as an “in-law”. I was always “your daughter”. I love how when we moved here to Tennessee from Maine, people often thought you were my “real” mom, not Dave’s. You were our strength when we were weak. You listened to my rambling and raving, even yesterday, Sunday, as I babbled on and on about this crazy week, you listened caringly. Even agreeing to keeping Charity for a date night I wanted to have on Friday or Saturday evening. I would easily say, you care for Charity about 80% of the time, if not more. And my little C, how will she live without her Gramma? You are so good with her. And you do all those fun crafts and play office and school and take her outside. How am I going to fill those shoes? Speaking of shoes, how can I continue my 1/2 marathon training? You were such an inspiration. You and your 10 minute mile! I don’t think I’ll ever get there. I don’t know that I’ll be able to run again. I think of you and all your encouragement you gave to Dave and I on running and being healthy. I LOVE YOU, GRAMMA. I pray you know that, I pray you know how much you meant to me. I pray you can see my heart and the gratefulness we all have for the time we had with you. They told us 12 years ago, you only had a year. And we were blessed with such good years with you here in Tennessee, 5 years. But it doesn’t seem like enough. I want you back. I want you to see Charity cheer her next game. Her next girl scout outing. I want you to be there when we run the 1/2 marathon. I want you to see Charity start high school and all the memories she makes through the years. I want you to be part of them. I LOVE YOU, GRAMMA. I really wish I would have told you everyday. Dave assures me you knew. But I want to tell you again and again. I wish I would have spent more time down there, at your place, just being with you and hearing you talk. I have learned so much from you. I just LOVE you so much and want you back. But I know God had a plan and I guess I have no other option, but to accept that, though it’s killing me. My heart is so heavy. We now understand when you told about losing your husband, Dave O. The void. The emptiness. The place in your heart for only that loved one.

My only peace is that this life is just a vapor. We’re only passing through. It’s not about here, but there, there in heaven with the One who created us. And I can’t wait to be there with you and Him.

MOM, I LOVE YOU.