Hard Halloween

We really did have a great day. Church this am and then Trunk-or-Treat tonight. Then Charity and Daddy decided to go around the neighborhood while I passed out treats back at home. It was a busy day, but we did it. Charity was a purple crayon and I was a sheet of white paper. We even squeezed Skyping Nana and Grampa in there so they could (sorta') see our costumes (bad web cam). Hopefully I can get some pictures up??? I've been blogging, but not that good, with the pics and all. So maybe. Someday.

After Charity and I spend what seemed like forever washing our hair of the dyes, we were changing into our jammies, ready to head downstairs and enjoy her bounty, when it hit her. Weird. You just never know. I can kind of just tell when it's going to happen. She walked in my room in Gramma's nightgown that she has inherited. She said, "I miss Gramma. I took my picture frame off my shelf. (A picture of her and grandma.) I kissed her. I know it's not really her. But, . . . " And that's all she said.

Oh, it broke my heart. I burst and she just let me hug her and squeeze her tight and cry on her shoulder. She's become such a strong little girl over the last month. I told her, like I always do, it's okay to cry. "I know, Mom. I just can't." I know. I understand. After a few minutes, I said we need to go downstairs and get some candy, trying to gather myself and cheer her up. She replied, "No." and just kept hugging me.

I was missing Gramma all day. The squeal of joy she would have let out upon seeing Charity in her costume. Picking through all the candy and giving Gramma the Dots, they're her favorite. The praise for our creativity. Reminding Charity to brush her teeth after every piece of candy. Just being able to spend another holiday with those you love.

Even on Halloween, though not my favorite holiday, we miss Gramma. But I guess that makes perfect sense, because we miss her every day.

So, . . . Happy Halloween, Gramma!

1st Month Anniversary

Today it's been a month. A month without Gramm. But a month that Gramma's been with Jesus, healed, pain-free. And while, Dave and I were chatting, we feel like the month has been very busy, it feels like an eternity since she's been gone. Most days a struggle, hard to get through, but we do it, somehow.

We cried and morned, but the neatest thing happened today. Somehow Charity got on the subject of what happens to babies when they die. And that's when we remembered about the child Gramma had before Dave that she had lost prematurely. She had said she was looking forward to meeting this child in heaven one day. It was weird because we had never really remember this until today. She has finally met her first child!! This little thought blessed us so, gave a peace in our hearts on this grievous day. It's just like the Lord to do that. He is good.

Gramma, hope you've had a good month with Jesus. We're so happy you met your little angel. How special! I like to think it was a girl, but I don't know. Now you do. God's ways are so good, we do not understand them, but press forward with Him. You life has thought us that is what's best. And we're looking forward to the day when we're all together. Every one of us in our heavenly home as one big, happy family. Love you!

Charity's New Favorite Commercial

This week at Grumpy and Meme's house, we all had to cease our conversations and be quiet every time this commercial came on. Charity is loving it. I guess it is pretty cute.

Good-bye, Gramma.

Today’s the day, we said our “final” good-bye to Gramma. It was a very short, just family, not a big deal affair, just what she wanted, at the location she chose. The same beach her husband was scattered at.

The sun shone bright as we walked as a family, all 8 of us, to find a quite spot on Coast Guard beach. When we spotted a seal, we decided that was a “sign”, so we decided that would be the location. Dave did well, we both hung in there, and Charity ran frolicking all over the beach . . . just what Gramma would have wanted.

Such a final process. Such a hard day. Being with family was nice. But Saturday we fly back to Nashville and we’re just dreading that empty house. Gramma’s always there when we get back from our trips away.

But, as we were headed back to Westfield from the Cape we passed a billboard in this very left-winged, blue non-Bible Belt state:

1 Corinthians 10:13

No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and He will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing He will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it.

Thank you, God!

6 Coventry Place, Sandwich, MA

Today we took “Gramma” by her old house today. Thought we’d show Charity were Gramma lived for many of the years of her life and where we used to come and visit her often. A special time for Charity and I, though she doesn’t remember it, is when she and I came and stayed a week with Gramma after her husband passed away. It was March, but we got the stroller out and would take walks each day and keep Gramma company as she prepared for another chapter in her life, moving up to Maine with us.

So here it is, Gramma. Awful, isn’t it?

This house used to be a cute little cape, before she sold it in 2004. If I were at home, I’d show the before and after pictures. We knew they had plans of making it a two story home. But it looked just hideous, with cars being worked on in the driveway, junk all around, complete with a gentleman bent over working on an engine . . . much needing to pull up his pants. Yikes. And my reason for not getting a real great picture.

Well, that made it a little easier to move on from there.  

But it’s hard being on the Cape. The place Gramma lived and loved. She loved the Tennessee weather, but missed the ocean.

We drove down to Coast Guard beach, where she is to be scattered. The ocean just has this thing, it’s very emotional. Dave and I have both agreed this is going to be a lot harder than we thought. So after we found a hotel and got some dinner this evening, we went and got ourselves some tissues for tomorrow . . . because, we know we’re going to need them.

Grandma & I

Had a little melt down today . . . saw a white-haired lady walking out of Pizza Hut holding hands will a bouncy little girl dressed in pink from her rubber rain boots to the tippy top of her umbrella. Made me miss Gramma, and for Charity. :( Ouch.

But overall things are getting better. When my mind thinks of Gramma, it is starting to adjust. I don't have the gut-wrenching pain in my chest like it just happened when she comes to my mind. But instead my brain tells me, it's okay, Diana. She's not here, she's happy with Jesus. It still hurts, but we're making progress.

Still miss you so, Gramma!

One Day Closer

I've finally figured it out. It doesn't get easier. The sting is still there, but we are able to make it through another day because we know that brings us one day closer to being together again!

Dave and I were chatting with Charity and told her Jesus knows the very day each of us will get to Heaven.

Gramma always kept calendars for Charity when an important day was coming up so she could cross off the days that went by and keep track of the "how long . . .". I told Charity I think Gramma's keeping a calendar of "Days until Charity (Mommy & Daddy) gets to Heaven". Each day she crosses off another block. We explained to Charity how a day in Heaven is like a year here on Earth, so it would be going by much faster for Gramma, like when you're having fun.

So for us, we'll hang in there another day, for Gramma she'll enjoy rejoicing another day. But that just makes us one day closer to being together again!!

Adjustments

It's been a week. A very long week. But thank the Lord we've made it through a week.

Gramma, I think we've figured out a morning schedule that will work for the 3 of us. You're right. Charity eats more in front of the TV, so we've moved the sofa table you bought her upstairs and now our "No food in the family room" rule is gone. But whatever it takes to make a smoother morning and get something in Charity's belly. You knew. I pray that God gives us the wisdom you had. You knew just what to do with Charity and what worked best for her, because you love her so much.

And burrrr . . . is it cold. Low 50's this morning when Charity and I left for school. We knew you never liked these chilly temperatures and felt so trapped in Maine, because of all the snow. But you "escaped" this cold weather just in time! Lucky! But by the end of the week, it shouldn't be so bad. See if you can work out something up there so our winter's not that bad . . . and I'll promise to take Charity out more than I normally would! :) You'd be proud: Dave or I take her out every day. And she's been riding her bike with us when we jog. We can only do about 2 miles, but that's a lot for her little legs! Gramma, we love and miss you so much!

A New Routine

We’re trying to figure this out. All life’s little changes. Pick up all the amazing things Gramma did. Charity went down there every morning for breakfast. Monday through Friday before school. Saturday when I was sleeping in or out early doing errands. Sunday when Dave and I were busy with church activities. Charity was hanging at Gramma’s getting a yummy start to her day.

Tuesday and Wednesday morning, Dave and Charity went down for breakfast at Gramma’s. And then since we had to bring all the food up . . . which was incredibly hard. Who knew we’d have a breakdown cleaning out the fridge. Or carrying her cookies upstairs to our pantry. The last bag of lettuce she bought. Her candy. The crackers she always had on hand. Gramma had things well stocked. But she’s always had such a mouse and pest problem in the past, so we were worried without a lot going on down there, they might take over. Thursday Dave moved the “breakfast routine” upstairs to our kitchen. Of course, Charity adjusted no problem. I can’t even get over how resistant this kid is. Gramma  probably prayed that she be okay with this all, that’s something she would have done.

Today is Dave’s first day back to work. So our plan is to keep our routine about the same. Dave will get her breakfast, then he’ll head up to work and I’ll continue getting ready, leaving Charity downstairs for about 45 minutes by herself enjoying her breakfast and watching Curious George as she did at Gramma’s.

She did ok. But it was bothering me. Ouch. She’s down their all alone, when I’m getting ready and she used to have Gramma waiting on her hand and foot. We’ve got to figure something out.

So I asked her when she came up at 7:30am to get her hair done, “Charity, do you like being downstairs by yourself? Are you okay?”

Her reply, “No, but it’s what I have to do.”

Oh, I love her. She was ok, she knows it’s just how life’s going to be. I can learn a lot from her. But I’m going to try and figure out this routine, so she’s not alone, at least not during the time she was usually with Gramma. Someway, somehow . . . we’ll figure it out. It’s what we have to do.