Getting There

Oh, it's working! It's not getting easier; just more accustom to the stinging pain. My brain actually feels like it's starting to work again. It's thinking beyond the pain, which is good.

I know Gramma's having a beautiful day in Heaven. It's absolutely beautiful here in Nashville today. Mid 70's. Dave's been meeting me and taking me to lunch the past couple days. Today we went to The Picnic Cafe for the first time. It was so girl-y, quaint, with a big selection of baked goods to choose from and we both thought the same thing: "Mom would like this place." I'm sure she's enjoying a lovely picnic of her own today! It's been so nice to have these little breaks during the day with Dave, we both catch up on our feelings and he lets me know what he's accomplished for the day. Tomorrow Dave goes back to work, but I think he's ready. He's got much of the loose ends tied up. I guess it will good to develop some sort of a regular routine. But I will miss him. I won't work a full day tomorrow to help adjust, next week we'll see what I can do.

Dave felt to call the doctor today to get more closure on what actually happened Monday. He was worried that Mom had suffered. But all signs appear as no. The doctor believes it was probably her heart, as we all suspected. And because she passed during the cat scan, it shows there were no blockages or eruption of her intestines, which would have been a very painful ending for Mom. Not the case, it was very quick and painless. Just what Mom wanted, probably exactly what she prayed for Sunday night when she was at alter for prayer. Heal me completely or take me.

I am coming to grip with her time with Charity. I just long she could have had more years. But Dave and I have discussed how 7 is God's number of completion. Gramma had 7 years with Charity. And though I would like 10 more and 10 more and 10 more on top of that. I have to accept God's will and know that Gramma is happier and pain-free. It is just so hard and hard to explain in words. I had Charity "for" Mom. I love Charity, but I wasn't planning to have children until God changed my heart because of Mom's prayers and her desire. Though she never said a word to me, she took all her supplications to the Lord. I tell the Lord, I knew I couldn't do this on my own, I did this for Gramma. She has always been there for me and helped me with Charity. I'm trying not be selfish, but I feel bad for Charity. I will never be the sweet and loving soul Gramma was to her. I LOVE her so much, but Gramma, that's some big soft slippers to fill! I trust God will give me strength and know He does ALL things WELL.

Since my brain has decided to start working again, I must return to my work. I think it's taken me all week to do 2 hours of work. I am so thankful my boss is on vacation and I have the entire office to myself for my frequent tear breaks, multiple phone calls and constant spacing out! I promised him I'd have it all together when he returned next Tuesday . . . I hope I do. With God's help!