Isn't this supposed to get easier?

I don't really know what's going on. We're on day 2 since Gramma left for Heaven and I'm still dying inside. I keep asking myself how does one live after [a loved] one dies? I know it's possible. Just trying to stay strong and take one minute at a time. Wow! I know the cares of life will drag me down and schedules will fill, but I do appreciate the love for life and others and having correct priorities in prospective that this is teaching me. But why such a hard lesson? Wish I had figured it out a lot sooner.

I know I was having a rough day. Didn't sleep much last night and I'm sure the over tired state I'm in is not helping anything. Went down to Gramma's while Dave was taking Charity to school and like I've often done, I audibly called out "Mom." And I was sincerely praying inside she would come around the corner from her bedroom as she had so many times before and I would wake up from this awful nightmare. :'( It didn't happen.

Actually, my purpose in heading down there was to see what she had for laundry so I could wash it. So after I realized what I was supposed to do, I gathered some clothes she had and her basket of wash and set it on the stairs.

Dave and I both have been completely avoiding "the bag" the funeral home gave us of her belongings. He did take her library book out and we have returned all the books she had checked out. Since I was doing her laundry, I figured I'd go ahead and tackle it. Just a small plastic bag stuffed with a few items, how could it be so daunting?

We had already set her glasses and watch on the counter. Ouch. First thing I pulled out was her shoes. Breakdown. Sobbing. I carried them into her bedroom and set them on her closet floor and that's when I heard her say, "Diana, I got new shoes!" knowing how much I appreciate SHOES!!! Oh, it blessed my heart. It was so real. It is hard to explain if you haven't been in this place. And Dave and I are trying to explain that to Charity. It's like you hear her in your heart, not your ears.

Clinging to the happy thought, I was able to complete the task of "the bag". And I know Mom would be so proud of me. Actually, she would say chuck it all, but I'm not there yet. I took out her skirt and slip and put it in the wash basket. Not sure what happened with the shirt she had on Monday, but it wasn't in the bag. The final items that remained were her panties and stockings and with Mom's "help" I threw them away!! She would be so proud! I told Dave when he returned home and we both chuckled. You just can't imagine how hard it is, until you've been to this place. Those items, nothing I would usually want anything to do with, become so "special". They were what she had on her last day here.

But, I do know it will get more bearable with time. Probably never easy, but the good memories and the kind thoughts and prayers of friends and family are helping so much.

Gramma, I know you were never into "things". It was all just stuff to you. You would say throw it all away. I'll get there, with time. And so it reminds me of the verse that changed your life, Ecclesiastes 2:11. I LOVE YOU, GRAMMA and am still learning from you daily!!

Ecclesiastes 2
Pleasures Are Meaningless

1. I thought in my heart, "Come now, I will test you with pleasure to find out what is good." But that also proved to be meaningless. 2. "Laughter," I said, "is foolish. And what does pleasure accomplish?" 3. I tried cheering myself with wine, and embracing folly—my mind still guiding me with wisdom. I wanted to see what was worthwhile for men to do under heaven during the few days of their lives.

4. I undertook great projects: I built houses for myself and planted vineyards. 5. I made gardens and parks and planted all kinds of fruit trees in them. 6. I made reservoirs to water groves of flourishing trees. 7. I bought male and female slaves and had other slaves who were born in my house. I also owned more herds and flocks than anyone in Jerusalem before me. 8. I amassed silver and gold for myself, and the treasure of kings and provinces. I acquired men and women singers, and a harem [a] as well—the delights of the heart of man. 9. I became greater by far than anyone in Jerusalem before me. In all this my wisdom stayed with me.

10. I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my work,
and this was the reward for all my labor.

11. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
nothing was gained under the sun.